Tuesday, March 3, 2015

How To Gain The Immigrant Vote In 6 Easy Steps

Disclaimer: The following post is entirely satirical. The point of this satire is to ridicule how our foreign policy and immigration process manufactures the "illegal immigration crisis" that too many politicians exploit for their own political gain, proposing solutions to problems that the system itself created. Please don't take it totes seriously.

Are you an up-and-coming politician who has a hard time gaining voter support, despite corporate interest groups backing your campaign with millions in secret donations?

Do you find it difficult convincing voters who are not “low-information” to give you their vote?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a mass of uneducated, illiterate mouth-breathers to support every position of your political platform, even those that are diametrically-opposed to their own self interests?

Can’t wait for the public “education” system to do its job and churn out a generation of potential voters that serve as obedient workers who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork?

What if I told you that you could have access to an entire demographic of uneducated, illiterate, and disenfranchised poor people who are unfamiliar with the inner workings of our government and yet have enough thinking power to mark your name on the ballot if you promise them nice things?

Well, you too can gain the vote of these rugged salt-of-the-earth folk, and all it takes is six easy steps:

Step 1: Destroy the economies of Central and South American countries through the drug war and NAFTA.

Step 2: Constrict the immigration process with red tape, making it expensive and cumbersome to immigrate legally.

Step 3: Watch and wait as immigrants illegally enter the country by the droves.

Step 4: Promise these new illegal immigrants amnesty, welfare, and other free stuff.

Step 5: Upon granting them amnesty, register these new "legal" immigrants to vote.

Step 6: Congratulations! You now have an entire loyal voting base willing to lavish you with their vote.